Why baptism, why sacrament

Mosiah 26:22

For behold, this is my church; whosoever is baptized shall be baptized unto repentance.

That's why we get baptized. We don't get baptized to covenant to be perfect, we get baptized to covenant to repent when we aren't.

We don't take the sacrament each week to signify our perfection or even our repentance. We take the sacrament each week to signify our willingness to repent and try again.

What am I afraid of?

I'm not afraid of people, places, or things. Or commas.

I am afraid of what I don't understand, which, I believe, is fairly common in mankind.

I do not understand how our existence can have a beginning. I know the scriptures suggest that it didn't, but I don't really understand that either. What frightens me is that if something has a beginning, who's to say it doesn't have an end? And what does that all mean?

I was showering this morning, and I had an overwhelming fear come over me that my existence was finite. As I sat there, letting the lukewarm water cover me, I just felt like the only thing keeping my existence intact was my belief that it was real. Otherwise the fabric of my life and experience would be withered away and I would cease to experience. Looking into that dismal inevitability is very frightening. I reached out to touch the wall, which felt solid enough. I could feel the water. I could see and think. I've often told myself that I think, therefore I am, but in this moment, I was afraid that the possibility to stop thinking was real. I didn't know what to do, because this was an overwhelming sense of despair. I started to cry.

I felt like if there was a moment that turning to the Lord could help me, this was it. So I whispered a prayer that went like this, "Jesus, thou Son of God, please have mercy on me. I do not understand, and I am afraid, and I need more faith and understanding. Please help me."

I almost instantly began to feel lighter. I didn't understand any better yet, but I felt like things would be alright.

Then, I realized three things. The first two in the shower.

1. Not only is life not over when we die, but this life is almost nothing compared to what happens after we die. All of the things that we spend our time worrying about, even some important doctrines, are really things that would just work themselves out without us if we'd let them alone. This life is so short! There is so little time to spend angry or upset or fighting. Being without work for a few weeks is really not that big of a deal.

2. I do not have time to be an idiot father. I do not have time to be unkind to them or lose my patience with them. I feel like I've been given a better perspective to help me be better.

Then I went out and made breakfast and tried to be a nice father. I played hymns over the speakers, and then I played a song that I knew Julianne would love to hear. She came out of the bathroom to see me. I was standing in the kitchen, and she was walking towards me. She was smiling. Her eyes were shining. Light was radiating from her, and she was so happy and beautiful. I realized the third thing then: She was the whole of my existence. She was worth anything. If all I had was this lifetime with her, it would be enough. Imagine then, how happy it made me to consider that it's not just this lifetime. That the dismal inevitability isn't even a possibility. She is mine forever, and I am hers completely.

I cried. She was crying. I just held her for a few minutes and didn't let go.

I am glad I started the day as I did, because what I learned was worth the price.